How to satisfy a woman
Version 1.1, July 2002
While most men are well aware what it needs for them to achieve sexual satisfaction, they lack appallingly in knowledge on what it takes for their female partner to do so as well.
It's not really the average man's fault. A young man does not know intuitively what it takes for his female partner to reach a climax. The subject is not taught in school, and even on the Internet, genuine information on the topic is scarce.
The matter often also is taboo among the partners involved, especially in conservative societies. And in modern societies, women normally find it more practical to fake orgasms, or to declare the topic unimportant, rather than to educate their husbands or partners. This is not surprising as the male reaction on being taught by his female partner on this sensitive subject is somehow unpredictable. The man may feel put down if guidance is given. He may believe she thinks he is a bad lover (which actually he may be, indeed), and react hurt or aggressive.
While we have discussed achieving orgasms with many of our sexual partners and therefore believe that we are knowledgeable to a certain degree, competent advice really has to come from women. We therefore include below a detailed account from a female reader on what it takes for her to have orgasms. We do want to invite other female readers to contribute to this database by sending in their own stories. We would be especially interested in comments from lesbian and bisexual women. All contributions are treated with total confidentiality, and names and email addresses will not be given. As the purpose of our endeavor is entirely educational, neutral language would be appropriate.
Here the first account, submitted by a female reader.
I have experienced my first orgasm at 9 or 10 not knowing what the hell it was. It was a result of a movie showing some physical punishment and a bare bottom. It did not happen during the movie, but after I was thinking about it. And it happened without my fingers, just my muscle contractions while tightly squeezing my legs. I remember it very well. Later I learned to imagine variants to what I saw with a pillow between my legs, which always led to orgasms.
I realized the connection between what I experienced and the meanings of sex at about the same time, I started experimenting with different kinds of stimulations. By 15 I already liked anal stimulation as well as clitoral. I have to say though that if my memory serves me well, those were never really strong orgasms. I started using small objects for anal and vaginal stimulations probably about the same time. I have to say though that now I am not a fan of anal sex. Although I have tried numerous times, it was always more discomfort than pleasure. I totally gave up with my husband, because he is considerably larger than average size.
As I started having normal and frequent sexual activity with a partner (I was 19), my personal experiences became less elaborate, but definitely better. Still, I very rarely have orgasms alone as strong as with a partner. I prefer having a dildo (not a vibrator, hate those, they are so unnatural) and clitoral stimulation at the same time. As far as the time is concerned, well it differs greatly. It can be one minute, it can be 10, it depends what goes on in my head. I don't have the same wave pattern orgasms when I am alone. Can't explain why. I can bring myself to orgasm up to three times alone, but every next one is harder to achieve and not necessarily stronger. It is also absolutely necessary for me to have nipple stimulation. Somehow without it, the whole thing is not as good and not as quick.
I also noticed that the older I am the better the orgasms are that I achieve alone. Still, they are no comparison and no substitution to normal sex.
I also have to say, that I had one experience with a person I knew well, but not in a sexual way. It was a one night that I wish I did not have. It was so ordinary and almost boring... It strengthened my belief that if the person does not care for you, he cannot bring you pleasure either. He was too excited himself and too quick to finish to bother about what I need. Well, that is another point in favor of not picking up strangers. I expect a lot from a sexual experience, and if I can't get it, then I am better off alone with my toys, a glass of wine and good porn.
From a previous mail of the same reader:
My first favorite memory was of me being 19. My fiancÚ at the time (I never really planned to marry him, but my parents were head over heels about him) was my partner in experiments. He was 25 and much more experienced than I was, but none of those experiences of his were adventurous. We both shared excitement in domination/punishment scenarios, but I was not ready to experience pain yet. So, he would tie me up (face down), blind-fold and tell me a story while slowly undressing me and barely touching my skin in different places. As the story progressed and I would be melting away, he would have less and less strength to control himself. I would hear grinding teeth, irregular breath and "I can't go on like this", but I would normally make him continue anyway. I don't remember how long this lasted, as long as he could tolerate it, but it would always end with very forceful, even brutal act of love that would have been not unlike rape if I were not so wet and ready. In this situation I would normally have an orgasm in the first 30 seconds after him entering me and the sensation was remarkable.
The strongest orgasm I have had was with my ex-lover, the guy who I was planning to marry and who nearly got control over my feelings. He was not in the least into playing parts and telling stories, but there was another way. He had patience like nobody else I know or heard of. It started with him telling me not to move while he was caressing me. This obviously did not work well. So, eventually he would tie my hands and then work my body in every possible way he knew. The point was in getting me close to orgasm, but never allowing me to actually finish and achieving it by different stimulations. This was mind-warping. He could go for 40 minutes to an hour this way, bringing me close and easing off and repeating it again and again. When finally he would enter, my sensation seemed to have intensified 10 times and orgasms were incredibly strong. I remember once during an orgasm I burst into sobs and actually cried with pleasure. (It is funny to remember because he freaked out thinking he hurt me).
However strong my experiences were before my husband, I still have to say he brought out the real woman in me. He played out my every fantasy and penetrated every part of my body. There was nothing off limits for me, so we tried everything. Most of those wild experiments I never really want to repeat, but I believe that everything should be tried at least once. We got into S&M and I tried both to humble and be humbled. It was interesting to lead, but I absolutely do not enjoy it. My husband does not like to tie me up. So we avoid it. But on the other hand, it is to some extent more stimulating when control that one has over you is mental rather than simple physical constraints. As I said, I don't like pain, it has to be very, very subtle, not strong, because if it grows beyond a certain point, it does not add to the pleasure, but negates it. We used to play sometimes a spanking game, but in order to enjoy it, I have to be in the mood.
Please, don't think that I only like sex in dominance scenarios. It is absolutely not true. It all depends on my mood. Sometimes, especially with a new partner, in order to be comfortable, I would prefer it slow and gentle, with intensity escalating as time progresses. I like to be teased, to not be given everything I want right away... Other times, if I am absolutely turned on by something in circumstances that prohibit immediate satisfaction, the sex that would follow would be rough, animalistic, resembling more of a fight than a gentle embrace. At such times, I catch myself thinking that human beings did not go far from the animal world in their act of love with biting and roaring and tearing off each other's clothes. And of course, at other times I can play any of the parts that I described above, I find one or other form of submission very stimulating.
I guess, I should mention something about me that I know sets me apart from a lot of women. Most women are capable of multiple orgasms, but as I read I have a rare ability of what they call wave pattern orgasms: having many of them and often. With the change of stimulation, I can come up to 15 times a night (if a partner can hold up that long). Of course, not all of these orgasms are strong. Most are like reaching the top of the wave and then drifting down and going up again. If all goes well, after 2, 3, 4 orgasms like that, I reach the top of the mountain. My husband prefers to wear me out like this. There were times when he pretty much set experiments on how much I can take. We lost count after 12, so my estimation is 15. It is a great unbelievable feeling after such a night, because the sensation I have is a body without bones, tiredness not unlike total inability to move, the feeling that if I am to die, this is how I would like to go... And when I know it is over and the heart is just slowing down, I close my eyes and feel the world spins into non-existence. Unfortunately this takes incredible amounts of energy from a man, and control for long periods of time, so... you can imagine, this is not an experience I have every week.
I have never had an orgasm as strong with oral stimulation as with vaginal penetration combined with some handwork. Depending on the position, I prefer to do it myself, since I can absolutely control what I need, how much and how fast. I guess this is my preference. I also like and can have an orgasm while giving oral stimulation to my partner (of course not without help from my fingers). This is only possible if it is not a quick thing, I need time. I should say that it might give a fright to a man, since even after doing it for years my hubby says his heart sinks every time expecting my jaws to lock.As our correspondence went on, I was able to ask some questions: "Do you need manual stimulation in combination with penetration to reach an orgasm, or do you reach it through penetration alone?"
Normally, I do need manual stimulation. But, I have achieved orgasms with penetration alone in the past. It absolutely depends on how aroused I am and what is going on in my head. As explained in my previous message, if I am at the very top of my senses - the touch-me-and-I-will-explode kind of feeling (achieved through any kind of previous stimulation: oral, verbal, caresses of different parts of my body) - then penetration alone can very easily bring me to an orgasm and in a very short period of time. If it does not happen in a short period of time (I imagine 1-2 minutes), then it is a definite that some manual help will be necessary.
"Do you prefer the on-top position?"
2. I almost never achieve an orgasm on top. It only happens if I feel close enough to an orgasm and then finish on top. I find it pretty strenuous to do it long enough to achieve an orgasm. After 3 minutes or so, discomfort starts to take over pleasure. Definitely not my favorite position.
"Can you differentiate between clitoral and vaginal orgasms?"
I can differentiate between clitoral and vaginal orgasms. I would say that most of my orgasms are clitoral; orgasms achieved by masturbation are always clitoral. A large part are what you would call "can't differentiate" or mixed (those are obviously the ones achieved with penetration). And maybe 5% or less are purely vaginal. I have achieved vaginal orgasms in the past without any manual stimulation in certain positions and certain angles (only with my husband, I think due to his large size) when there is direct contact with the G-spot. I am not saying that I achieved vaginal orgasms only though G-spot stimulation, it happened without it as well, but again, I have to say it is a very rare occurrence. I have no idea how and why sometimes direct contact with the G-spot raises such intensity of feeling, and sometimes it does not. But it is a very unique thing. The same position does not always achieve the same stimulation. When a man happens to get to this remarkable place, my suggestion is - do not breath and don't move a muscle, keep doing exactly the same thing with exactly the same strength, otherwise it will be lost. Communication here is essential. I would normally say right away "don't change", and I can climax within 30-40 seconds. Another thought on the G-spot: I never had a positive experience with it through manual stimulation or object stimulation. I found manual stimulation not just useless, but also uncomfortable.
I also wanted to remark on manual clitoral stimulation. I have never had a really good experience receiving it from a partner. I will explain why. In order for it to be pleasurable, it has to be in exactly the right place, with exactly the right pressure and exactly the right speed. No man can read your mind, and even though I have no problem saying what I need and how, it is hard to explain exactly what you mean. A man can put your finger on the right spot, but I found it extremely hard to control the pressure, especially since one day it should be different from another. If partners have been having sex for half an hour for example, the clitoris might be more sensitive and need less pressure than in the first minutes. If a woman already achieved one clitoral orgasm, then the pressure should be much, much less than before, again due to sensitivity. The same with the speed, although it is easier to control; what a woman needs can change from the beginning of the stimulation to the end. Too slow is usually pretty irritating rather than stimulating and too fast too soon is also not such a good thing. Well, to complete this, I would say that I prefer to do it myself rather than struggle with guiding somebody else's hand. I think it is only fair.